Scottish jokes

A place where you can add your jokes (Clean !!) Also Trivia questions, stories not related to Corfu (funny ones), quizzes on music, television. etc etc.

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handyman
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Scottish jokes

Post by handyman » Tue Mar 17, 2009 6:24 pm

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!" :lol: :lol: :cool:

mitera
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english jokes

Post by mitera » Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:22 pm

Lets face it English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don‘t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn‘t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn‘t the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn‘t a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.
Much better with the scottish language .... lol :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

handyman
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by handyman » Thu Mar 26, 2009 6:19 pm

One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.

Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.

He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"

:lol: :oops: :mrgreen:

handyman
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by handyman » Fri Apr 24, 2009 2:10 pm

A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age." :lol: :lol:

Chris
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by Chris » Fri Apr 24, 2009 3:25 pm



A film crew were filming on a Glasgow housing estate, and everytime the film crew got set up, and the Director said action, this dog would start barking, and snapping at the film crew. "Cut, cut, cut" said the Director. He would shout "Action" again, and as soon as the cameras were rolling, the dog would start barking. "Cut, cut" said the Director. Wtih this a woman opens her bedroom window, and with a deep loud Glaswegian accent shouts down, "Kick its balls, that will do it". The Director being an animal lover thought that was over the top, and decided to give it another go.

"Standby, and Action". Sure enough the dog starts barking again, and snapping at the crew. "Cut, cut", said the Director. The woman shouts down again, "Kick its balls, Kick its balls". With that, the Director stands up, brings back his foot and kicks the dog straight between the back legs. The dog runs off down the road whaling and whining into the distance. The woman shouts out of the window. "Not its balls, the Tennis Balls you idiot.



mitera
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by mitera » Sat Apr 25, 2009 9:21 pm

Chris , clearly im slow :oops: :lol: but i dont get it , and im Scottish :shock: :lol:

mitera
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by mitera » Sun Apr 26, 2009 12:13 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: Now ...that one i do understand spartacus :cool: :cool:

mitera
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by mitera » Fri May 15, 2009 8:00 pm

One for you Simon........Jobs

Two men at a party and one says to the other "So what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a plastic surgeon," says the other. "I tuck up features!"

"Thats a coincidence!" says the first man, "because I'm an OFSTED inspector."

mitera
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by mitera » Fri May 15, 2009 8:01 pm

ENGLISH JOKE .................. First Essex girl has a serious accident in her car. She is bleeding profusely and trapped. Within a few minutes a medic is on the scene.

"What's your name, love?" he says.

"Sharon," she sobs.

"OK, Sharon, we'll soon have you out of there, but first of all where are you bleeding from?"

"Chigwell, mate," she replied :lol: :lol:

mitera
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by mitera » Fri May 15, 2009 8:28 pm

funny joke but didnt you mean a BMW :lol: :lol: :roll:

mitera
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by mitera » Fri May 15, 2009 9:26 pm

OOOOOOOOOOOOOeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr soz Simon :oops: :oops: your really are a smarty pants arent you or troosers as we say :grin: :grin:

handyman
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by handyman » Thu Jun 11, 2009 1:56 am

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.' :roll: :lol:

handyman
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by handyman » Thu Jun 18, 2009 9:12 pm

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does :lol: :lol: :shock:

mitera
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by mitera » Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:04 pm

Whats the difference between a sock and a camera in Wigan ?

Ones for five toes the others for fotoes ( needs the accent) :lol: :lol: :shock:



Why do meat pies have a hole in them?
So that Wiganners can eat 5 at a time :lol: :lol: :lol:



When a Wigan lass is having sex, what protection does she use?
The bus shelter :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

mitera
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Re: Scottish jokes

Post by mitera » Mon Jul 13, 2009 3:53 pm

A Wiganer takes his cat into the vets.
He says to the vet: 'can you have a look at me cat, it's not well?'
The vet says: 'is it a tom?' (at home).
The Wiganer says: 'No I brought it with me.' :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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