Irish Jokes

A place where you can add your jokes (Clean !!) Also Trivia questions, stories not related to Corfu (funny ones), quizzes on music, television. etc etc.

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Chris
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Irish Jokes

Post by Chris » Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:17 pm



Two Irishmen redundant from work go to the Job Centre to sign on. When asked what work they did, Patrick says I am a Knicker Elastic Fitter, and the clerk signs his card, and gives him £80. The same question is asked of Murphy, who replies, I am a Diesel Fitter, with this, the clerk gives him £160. When Murphy tells Patrick, Patrick is none too happy and storms back into the Job Centre, followed by Murphy. The Clerk asks what is the problem, and Patrick says, I am a Knicker Elastic Fitter and I get £80, Murphy is a diesel fitter and gets £160, why. Well it is obvious sir, being a diesel fitter is more experienced. How do you work that out says Patrick. I fit the elastic into the knickers, and Murphy sticks them on his head ands says, "diesel fitter". (These will fit her in an Irish accent).

Rubbish joke, but just testing the forum.

Yeiamas, Chris


elianna

Re: Irish Jokes

Post by elianna » Tue Feb 17, 2009 5:54 pm

Memory isn't what is was
Two eighty-year-olds were watching TV.

'Pat, me darling,' said Mary. 'Would you ever do me a favour? Would you go into the kitchen and get me some ice cream out of the freezer?'

'I will,'said Pat.

'Well, shall I write it down for you?' asked Mary. 'Because your memory's not what it was.'

'Don't be stupid, woman. I can remember a simple thing like a plate of ice cream,' snorted Pat.

'Yes, but I was thinking of having a little chocolate sauce poured on it, so I'd better write it down.'

'Good God in heaven,' bawled Pat. 'I'm not stupid you know. I can remember ice cream with chocolate sauce.'

'Yes, but do you know those hundreds and thousands decorations. I was thinking of a sprinkling of them on top. I'd better draw a picture,' said Mary.

'You'll do no such thing,' said Pat. 'I can remember ice cream, chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands. Just hang on a minute.'

Hang on Mary did, one minute, ten, twenty, forty. Eventually Pat returned carrying a tray. On the tray was a plate. On the plate was egg, bacon and sausage.

'See, I told you. I should have written everything down,'said Mary.

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'You've forgotten the toast,' she snapped.

handyman
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Re: Irish Jokes

Post by handyman » Sat Feb 21, 2009 1:17 pm

Paddy and his two friends, Bill and Simon, are talking at a bar.

Bill says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.”

“What makes you think that?” asks Paddy.

“Well the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

Simon then says: “Same with me! I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”

“The other day I found a wrench under the bed and that wasn’t mine.”

“That’s all three of us then,” says Paddy: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Bill and Simon look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
:lol: :lol: :!:

mitera
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Re: Irish Jokes

Post by mitera » Sat Feb 21, 2009 5:29 pm

Ive been laughing now for ages :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: thats really funny :lol: :lol:

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Re: Irish Jokes

Post by mitera » Sat Feb 21, 2009 6:20 pm

Russian Roulette

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were playing Russian roulette. The Englishman used a gun with six chambers and no bullets; The Scotsman used a gun with six chambers and one bullet; The Irishman used a gun with six chambers and six bullets - but he put The gun to The Englishman's head.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
:lol:

handyman
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Re: Irish Jokes

Post by handyman » Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:33 pm

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
http://www.theholidayspot.com/valentine ... ughing.gif

handyman
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Re: Irish Jokes

Post by handyman » Fri Mar 13, 2009 9:28 pm

Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got. Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement. Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.

"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"

This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."
:cool: :grin:

handyman
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Re: Irish Jokes

Post by handyman » Tue Mar 17, 2009 6:29 pm

A Belfast man was ashamed of his accent, and decided to go to elocution lessons in London.
Three years later he was speaking perfect BBC English, and he decided to return home and celebrate with a drink.
He caught the Shuttle to Belfast, got a taxi into the city and walked into the first establishment he came to.
'I say, old chap,' he said to the proprietor, 'perhaps you could furnish me with a large gin and tonic and one of your finest Havana cigars.'
'You're from around these parts, aren't you?' said the proprietor.
'Good grief,' said the stunned Belfast man. 'How did you know that?'
'Well, you see,' said the proprietor, 'this is a butcher's.'

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