Old ones are the Best

A place where you can add your jokes (Clean !!) Also Trivia questions, stories not related to Corfu (funny ones), quizzes on music, television. etc etc.

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Old ones are the Best

Post by Al » Sat Aug 09, 2008 10:03 am

Hi All


A man walked in a Bar
"Ouch" that hurt he said to his friend. (Izzy 8 )



Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" (Abi 12)


Regards

Al 8)
PS If the jokes get to bad from my kids then I will deny I even know them :)

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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by handyman » Sun Jan 18, 2009 1:39 pm

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over."Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us.""It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary." :oops:

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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by mitera » Sun Jan 18, 2009 6:27 pm

Where do old photographers get sent ?.... to the old focus home :oops: :oops: :lol: :razz: :razz:

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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by mitera » Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:46 pm

Aw poor guy . hope it wasnt murder ..any idea if there has been any development :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by Chris » Wed Jan 28, 2009 3:29 pm




This guy goes to the Doctor's. On seeing the Doctor, the guy says, one moment I feel like a Teipei, and the next I feel like a Wigwam. The Doctor said you need to calm down, your Two Tense (Tents), :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:

Yeiamas, Chris



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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by handyman » Fri Jan 30, 2009 2:56 pm

'Where were you born?' 'Liverpool' 'What part?'

'All of me' 'Have you lived there all your life?'

'Not yet' 'Any great men born there?'

'No - only babies'
:lol:

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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by Chris » Fri Jan 30, 2009 5:10 pm



I remember once arriving at the Rail Station Ticket Office. I asked for a return ticket, the ticket man said where to. I thought you idiot, "back here of course".

:oops: :lol: :oops: :lol: :oops:


Yeiamas, Chris



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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by handyman » Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:53 am

'Do you serve lobsters?'

'We serve anybody, sir.' :mrgreen:

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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by mitera » Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:01 pm

A string walks into a bar.

He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.

The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."

The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.

He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."

They string replys "No I'm a freyed knot".
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by handyman » Sun Feb 01, 2009 10:59 am

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you." :wink:

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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by handyman » Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:57 pm

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by mitera » Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:13 pm

'Mixed feelings is when you see your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car'.

:twisted: :twisted: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by handyman » Sun Feb 08, 2009 7:15 pm

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu :mrgreen: :oops: :grin:

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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by mitera » Sun Feb 08, 2009 11:23 pm

"I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
"ReallY WHY ?
COS you make me sick!" :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Old ones are the Best

Post by Chris » Thu Feb 12, 2009 11:19 am



Ah ah, watch out the SAS are about. Is Simon a Socks and Sandles man. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Yeiamas, Chris



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